Photograph by Carolyn Drake / Magnum
Pep Talks to Get You to Read the News
by Karen CheeYou can do this. I believe in you! The mere fact that you need a pep talk to read the news indicates that you have some semblance of a moral spine, which is worth celebrating these days. Congrats on your ethical bone structure!
Dance like Russia isn’t watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Sing like your microwave isn’t listening. Joke like you’re Mike Huckabee on Twitter. Unless you actually are Mike Huckabee on Twitter. Then please stop.
Go for it! There’s no time like the present. If you don’t learn the latest news, what will you tweet? Tweeting about something nice but irrelevant, such as a sturdy IKEA chair, will make you seem oblivious and insensitive. What a nightmare! Read the news, tweet it, and celebrate your durable POÄNG on your own time.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in, but less deeply this time, because people are destroying the environment and we should preserve oxygen. Take a lot of shallow breaths, which should be easy because you’re already hyperventilating from anxiety. Now start reading!
Hey, you! You’re great! And this pep talk is designed to give you sufficient time to digest your breakfast before reading the news. Take a moment to think of today’s wonderful possibilities! Throw open the curtains! Is that sunshine or just your sweet personality? Have you digested those scrambled eggs yet? No? Then count your blessings: You are smart! You are loving! You have some hair! People care about you! O.K., now read! Wait, did you just throw up? Darn! You haven’t pawned your towels to afford birth control yet, have you?
Think of the future. Think of your family. Think of the children you may have soon, after your access to birth control is restricted. Also, think of your children who already exist.
You are not alone. There are approximately three hundred and twenty million people in this country, and many are experiencing the same roller coaster of emotions. If you all keep voicing your opinions and continue to protest, then change is bound to happen. Never forget the power that you wield as an individual in a unified group. O.K., you can throw up now.
Every day is one day closer to getting the Pee Pee Tape. Every minute is one minute closer to Trump’s next flub. Every second is one second closer to his eventual impeachment. But, also, the Pee Pee Tape could be dropping soon! Don’t you want to be alive to see it?
The fact that you have the opportunity to read the news right now means the nuclear apocalypse hasn’t yet occurred. What a blessing! So do something you’ve always been meaning to try but have been too scared to attempt—like skydiving or bungee jumping or reading the day’s news!
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